Robin Olson, Facilitating Transformation

Feeling Anxious

Panic-stricken anxiety interrupted my nights. I’d cry myself back to sleep wanting someone to save me. In the morning, I’d roll my tired body out of bed and stare at puffy eyes in the bathroom mirror before getting ready to tackle another day. This happened night after night. I was overwhelmed with loss, grief, and the struggles of being a single mom.

Ultimately, it was my daughter who snapped me out of auto-pilot. I very much wanted to keep my daughter’s world as free-flowing as possible. She went to a good school and participated in activities. I did not understand that my frazzled emotions, insecurities, and erratic energy had an effect on her. In my constant state of floundering but trying to cover it up, unease spilled over into our relationship as I demanded good grades, compliance in behavior, and constant effort. My nurturing skills were virtually non-existent, but I knew how to keep a rigid schedule to appear normal.

In 2012, my daughter took up Olympic recurve archery. She competed at the local, state and national levels for several years. One day in 2015, we were trying to get out of the house to make it to practice on time. Fumbling to gather her equipment, I started in about how she needs to keep track of her gear, keep her archery practice schedule, and what she should focus on because of the upcoming state tournament. She paused, looked me straight in the eye, and said, “Momma, sometimes I think you want this more than I do.”

She was not being flippant. She was not talking back. She said it so matter-of-factly that it pierced a level of my consciousness, shaking me into a new reality. Something switched. I knew I had to get a hold of my mindset. I needed to make a change. I desperately wanted out of the fear that everything was happening to me and I never knew what that “everything” would be.

Those “Inner Nudges”

I started receiving subtle nudges and intuitive messages I can only describe as coming from beyond, from Spirit. A voice told me I would have one child and I did. Then, I miscarried twice before I remembered the voice. This connection intrigued me so much that I purchased a set of meditation CDs from John Edward, the medium. Escaping to a tropical beach releasing worries and fears calmed me. I felt refreshed and recharged to handle daily life. But over time, especially after my divorce, my meditation practice fell away. There just didn’t seem to be enough time in the day between work duties and mom chores to fit in sitting still in a chair for twenty minutes counting my breaths and listening to someone describe the winds blowing across a beach.

When I realized I had to make some positive changes in my life, I brought meditation back into the fold. In 2016, I committed to a daily practice starting with just three minutes of quiet sitting focusing on breathing. Consistent sitting in stillness brought clarity. Gradually, I increased my time. Space began to build between my thoughts and my reactions. My confidence grew allowing me to follow Spirit’s lead in decision making. I met new people who shared my vibe and became my tribe.

In 2017, my mother passed away and I needed that tribe. I understood gratitude at a deeper level by reaching to Spirit through meditation. My new friends and Spirit nourished my soul. Incredible synchronicities occurred helping me understand I was not alone.